I want to start off by saying......PLEASE DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME! I DON'T WANT TO COME OFF AS BEING PITIFUL! Also, I LOVE MY PARENTS TO DEATH AND I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING THEY'VE SACRIFICED FOR ME!
I simply want to share my testimony, how I've been affected for years and no one knew, and how I remain sane.
For my 20th birthday, I wanted to gift myself freedom, I wanted to be confident again, I wanted to trust again, and ultimately I wanted to allow others to love me again.
Growing up with my parents being separated it was extremely hard for me. I would make it seem like everything was ok like it didn't necessarily bother me, but deep down I was hurting...and no one knew! I never experienced seeing them interact lovingly, they never hugged, never kissed. Watching my siblings experience that and unconscious take it for granted, thinking " oh! it's just my parents hugging and kissing Ewww, that's normal" But that's something I'll never get the opportunity to see. And you might be thinking why does that bother you so much? It's just the impact of seeing your parents happy and loving each other, it makes loving others easier, you feel accepted and life just makes more sense that way.
And I completely understand that my parents made some decisions that they thought was best for themselves at that time.
My parents had me when they were young, I was never planned. Recently, my dad asked me if I knew this specific Doctor and I said yes, he was in the room when my mom was giving birth and he replied saying " no, he was supposed to be the doctor that aborted you. but we didn't have enough money". So! Here I am 20 years later, my dad's hero, my mommy's princess and my mom's baby girl....confusing? yeah, I know.
As a child I was very loving and lovable, I trusted any and everyone. I never thought anyone would hurt me, with that being the case I was manipulated, taken advantage of from a young age, for many years. " If you do this, you'll get this" " If you let me do this, I'll let you watch your favorite cartoon" so on and so forth and for a while I use to blame myself.. thinking, Jovia you allowed that to happen to you, why didn't you say no, scream or tell someone...
I've always hated conflicts, arguments, disagreements, I loved peace and in the back of my head, I'd be thinking what if they don't believe me and I get in trouble... It was a lot going through my head. I remember one situation where I was crying and he asked what I was crying for and he seemed so confused, he kept repeating himself like I was supposed to enjoy being touched inappropriately and I was told " go ahead, go to school and tell police on me" I felt so guilty, there's no way I could've done that.
Growing up I was so confident, I loved everything about myself. You could ask me to dance, sing or tell a joke anywhere, anytime and I'd do it with no hesitation.
Now I'm 20 and I'm far from confident, I'd get a compliment and in my head, I'm confused as to why and what they're talking about. But from the outside looking in you'd think that I'm conceited, cocky, overly confident but I'm far from that. I'd get compliments and try my hardest to convince myself that I am beautiful.
I really wish I would've spoken up earlier, now it's so hard. I find myself thinking how do I expect to get married and be loved if I'm simply scared to give a hug or accept a compliment, or even a date. I've been so resentful to guys, I just don't trust them cause I don't know their motive and I rather not take the risk and find out.
But I love everything about love and it kills me.
I'd like a guy and he'd have no clue or a guy would like me and I'd make him not want to like me. It takes a lot to love me, I require a lot of time, patience, and it's just too much. I would hate to put a guy through that.
But with all these things that I struggle with daily, I honestly don't know how I survive but I do know why I'm still here. I've seen and heard of stories of kids killing themselves after experiencing what I went through and it breaks my heart.
Now, I know why I'm so passionate about working with your young girls, why I want to create a safe environment where we can be comfortable and talk about these things. The importance of keeping a close eye on your kids and not trusting any and everyone around them, cause you never truly know someone's intentions. DOESN'T MATTER WHO IT IS.
I might not be as confident as I use to be, but I'm definitely stronger than I ever thought I'd be. Ever since I was introduced to Christ I never wanted to lose him, he was there through it all. When my family never understood how hurt I was and still am, he's been my closest friend, when the lights were off and I'm all alone, when everyone's asleep I'm up crying and couldn't understand why my life had to be this, why was I the one to go through this?
And I would often remind myself, Jovia you're different, you've always been and this cross that you're carrying, your younger sisters wouldn't be able to last this long, endure the pain, forgive and still love everyone that ever hurt you and this is why you're still here.
Smiling through the pain, still trying to make the best of life and helping others when you can.
Now I'm 20 and I'm finally telling my story, I remember often times hearing "I'm sure you need therapy, go get it" like it was ever that easy. I couldn't see myself paying to sit in front of a stranger just talking and then having them tell me what I already know.....
So I came to the conclusion that this is my pain and I'll get over it whenever and however I want to. I tried writing songs, I tried making videos, and so many other things that never worked out.
I thank God for loving me unconditionally, never giving up on me, when my parents couldn't understand that they were somewhat selfish in their decision-making and as a result, I'm a broken girl that have been faking my happiness for a while. NOT SAYING I WAS NEVER HAPPY! God held me close and I'd never, ever want him to let me go.
Before this is all over, I want to say that I love and forgive everyone that ever hurt me.
Whether, you abused me, verbally, physically, mentally. Whether you were one of the many who sexually assaulted me. I know how the devil works and how we all have our struggles and temptations, I hate that I'm a victim but I love and forgive you all and I pray that you've asked God for forgiveness yourself.
I'm Jovia Smith, and I'm ready to love and trust AGAIN!
THESE ARE MY WORDS, THIS IS MY VOICE AND THAT IS MY SERMON!
I DEFINED AND DESIGNED MY RECOVERY......no therapy needed. I TRUST IN GOD NOT MAN!
This story is over, the page has flipped and now here's where the new one begin......
If you're also a victim you can get through it... It is possible to forgive but never forget...
FORGIVENESS IS NOT ONLY FOR THEM, BUT IT'S ALSO FOR YOU! GROWTH IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT GAINING IT'S ALSO ABOUT LETTING GO! FREE YOURSELF.
FORGIVENESS IS HIDDEN IN YOUR HEART SOMEWHERE...LET ME HELP YOU FIND IT.